


my anaconda don't-

by avengersincamphalfbloodstardis



Series: Music [4]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Anaconda, Based on a song, Crack, Humor, M/M, Steve's marvelous ass
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-16
Updated: 2015-01-16
Packaged: 2018-03-07 21:01:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3183029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/avengersincamphalfbloodstardis/pseuds/avengersincamphalfbloodstardis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony was 96 percent sure that Steve purposely swayed his hips when he walked.</p>
            </blockquote>





	my anaconda don't-

Tony was 96 percent sure that Steve purposely swayed his hips when he walked.

No, seriously.

He had done the math. It had taken a week of calculating, seeing as he had to pour over footage of Steve as well as take notes in his presence and comparing the two.

He even asked a few SHIELD agents what they thought about Steve’s ass.

That part hadn’t gone so well. He was forced to take that sexual harassment seminar (again) and got yelled at by Fury.

But finally he reached a number. Ninety-six percent.

His only question left was _why_?

He wasn’t sure how to broach the subject with Steve so he confronted Bucky.

“Does Steve like it when people notice his ass?” Tony demanded.

Bucky did a double take, brow furrowed.

To be fair, Tony probably could have broached the subject a bit more tactfully.

“Why would I know?” Bucky asked, moving his scrambled eggs around the pan.

“Because you’re his best friend.” Tony said and sipped his coffee. “So. Does he?”

Bucky shook his head. “I have no idea. It is way too early for this shit.”

Tony held out a cup of coffee.

Bucky took it and drained it. Everyone knew that coffee was essential to deal with most things that happened in Avengers Tower. “Steve used to be skinny.”

“Duh,” Tony said.

“Let me finish,” Bucky glowered. “Steve used to be skinny but he’s always had a great ass.”

Tony sniggered.

“Shut up, I’m telling you what you want to know. Back when Steve was skinny people didn’t wanna date him a whole lot.”

“Idiots,” Tony nodded.

“Idiots,” Bucky confirmed. “But there were some girls- and a few guys too- that would check out his ass.”

Bucky shrugged. “And as far as I can tell, it’s only gotten better with the serum, you know, finally fits the rest of his body, so, maybe.”

“It is pretty nice,” Tony sipped his coffee.

“What are we talking about?” Natasha asked as she and Clint entered the kitchen.

“Steve’s ass,” Bucky said, dishing up his eggs.

Clint didn’t miss a beat. “He’s got a pretty nice one, as far as asses go.”

Natasha nodded. “Could bounce a quarter off it. I’d know too. I did it once.”

“I’ve got the video,” Clint said, pulling his phone out.

Tony and Bucky scrambled to watch it.

***

He asked Coulson next.

“Do you ever look at Steve’s ass?”

Coulson choked on his coffee. “ _What_?”

“Do you,” Tony said slowly. “Ever. Look at. Steve’s ass.”

“Absolutely not,” Coulson’s cheeks reddened. “The man is a superhero, not something to ogle at.”

“Oh, you don’t mean that, Agent,” Tony said, leaning up against Coulson’s desk. “C’mon... you know you’ve looked. Maybe just once?”

“Why are you asking me about this?” Coulson wouldn’t meet Tony’s gaze.

“Because I need to know who Steve’s doing this nonsense for!” Tony slammed a palm on the desk.

“What nonsense?”

“Showing off!”

“His... behind?”

“Yes!”

“I really haven’t noticed, Stark.”

Tony sighed. “Are you positive?”

“Yes.”

***

Tony leaned up against the counter Bruce was working at in his lab. “Hey Brucie.”

“Hi Tony,” Bruce said without looking up from his project.

“So, I’ve got a new project I could use your help on.”

“Oh yeah? What kind of project?”

“Figuring out if Steve swings his ass on purpose.”

Bruce looked up. “Excuse me?”

“I need to know!” Tony said. “For science, Bruce. It’s important.”

Bruce sighed. “What data have you gathered so far?”

***

“Pepper.”

“Yes, Tony?”

“Do you think Steve has a nice ass?”

There was a pause.

“Tony, I am not talking about Captain America’s ass with you.”

“Oh, so you’ll talk about it with Natasha but not with me.”

“That’s different.”

“How?”

“It’s Natasha.”

Tony sighed. “Fine. But don’t be surprised when I turn this into a bigger deal than it should be.”

“I never am, Tony.”

***

Tony approached Thor. “Hey buddy.”

“Hello Anthony!” Thor grinned. “How are you?”

“Fine, thanks,” Tony said distractedly. “Hey listen pal, could you answer a question for me?”

“Of course.”

“Did you ever try to, like, impress someone with, say, your body?”

“Absolutely!” Thor boomed. “I would often display my muscles to attract people to my form! Asgardians often use their looks to attract.”

“Okay,” Tony said slowly, cogs in his mind turning. “Thanks.”

“In fact, we used not only our looks! I recall after I slaughtered a giant boar, I paraded around with it’s-”

“Thanks buddy.”

***

“Rhodey, my man, hey I got a question for you-”

“No.”

“Aw, c’mon-”

“No.”

***

After a mission fighting an army of tiny marshmallow fluff goblins (don’t ask) they all head to the hellicarrier to be debriefed.

Tony was cranky; there was marshmallow fluff in the joints of his suit, he just wanted to fall down into a bed, and he was never going to be able to look at marshmallows the same way again. He was probably never going to be able to drink cocoa again either.

Up ahead, Steve led the way, ass swinging back and forth.

“Okay, I’m done,” Tony proclaimed, throwing his hands up in the air.

The team stopped and turned to look at him.

“Are you kidding me with this, Rogers?” Tony said pathetically, gesturing at Steve.

“With...?” Steve trailed off, confusion all over his features.

“With this...” Tony waved his hands in the general direction of Steve’s butt. “Ass nonsense!”

“Ass nonsense.” Steve repeated slowly, like he thought he might have misheard Tony.

“Yes!” Tony almost stamped his foot but he already sounded like a fourteen year old girl, his didn’t need to add to his dramatics. “You’re always wiggling it around, swinging it back and forth! It’s enough to drive a guy nuts!”

Steve looked taken aback. “Uh...”

Clint sniggered and Natasha elbowed him.

“You two,” she took them by the arm and led them to a room off to the side. “Need to talk about Steve’s ass somewhere people can’t hear you.”

She shoved them inside. “Talk.” And she shut the door.

Tony blinked at the door for awhile.Then he turned to Steve. “Now about your ass-”

“I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable with it,” Steve blurted. “I never meant to.”

Tony blinked at him like he had just done with the door. “What?”

“I really didn’t mean to... swing it around.” A steady blush rose up over Steve’s cheeks. “It’s just when I was skinny people liked it and people now seem to like it even more, so. Yeah.”

“I knew it!” Tony exclaimed, pointing an armored finger at Steve. “I knew you were doing it on purpose!”

Steve visibly cringed, shrinking in on himself. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Tony waved his hand in dismissal. “Just tell me. Who are you doing it for? Oh God, it’s Bucky. It started up around the same time he came back around. You’re doing it for him, aren’t you? Don’t answer that. I can’t take it.”

“I’m not doing it for Bucky, Tony.” Steve said bemused, though a small hint of amusement was starting to pull at his lips.

“You’re not?” Tony asked.

Steve shook his head and licked his lips. “No.”

They started at each other until it clicked in Tony’s mind exactly why Steve was staring at him with bated breath and a waiting look in his eyes.

“Oh,” he said. “ _Oh_.”

“Yeah,” Steve breathed. “Oh.”

“You do have a nice ass,” Tony said lamely.

Steve barked a laugh. “Thanks.”

“I didn’t mean to spend so much time contemplating it,” Tony shrugged. “But I did the math and-”

“You did the math?” Steve doubled over laughing.

“Well, yeah!” Tony said indignantly. “It took a lot of work too. I had to gather data and calculate the velocity of your hip swinging and- it’s not funny!”

Steve had kept laughing all the way through Tony’s explanation and waved his hand in protest.

“I’m sorry,” he hiccuped. “I’m sure you put a lot of work into it. It’s just, you could have saved yourself the trouble and _asked_ me if I was doing it on purpose or not.”

“I think we both know I would never do that,” Tony deadpanned.

“Yeah,” Steve grinned. “Yeah we do.”

They stood there, grinning at each other like idiots.

“So,” Steve cleared his throat. “Can I assume, uh, that maybe you...”

“Like you?” Tony asked.

“More than just for my ass, I mean,” Steve said quickly.

“Yeah,” Tony said. “I do. Though your ass is a nice perk.”

“So, would you maybe,” Steve scratched the back of his neck. “I dunno, wanna go on a date sometime?”

“ _Yes_.” Tony said and Steve laughed.

“Great,” Steve said. “Great.”

“Yeah,” Tony grinned. “Great.”

They stared at each other again, full blown grins on both of their faces.

“Alright, this is getting ridiculous,” Tony said and in two strides had crossed over to Steve.

He brought a hand up to Steve’s cheek and kissed him.

Steve made a pleased noise and moved closer, though it was difficult with the armor.

“For the record,” Steve said. “You have a nice ass too.”

Tony grinned against Steve’s mouth. “Thanks.”

He kissed him again and Steve squeaked when he reached down to squeeze his ass with armored fingers.


End file.
